Like many lawyers, my life is ruled by my calendar. It incorporates my To Do List and compartmentalizes my life into neat 15-minute blocks. It contains work tasks, admin, client meetings, networking events, errands, appointments, social engagements and sports practice times. But, until recently, what was missing was a timeslot devoted to mental well-being. Now, I schedule this into my day and respect the commitment like it was a 12-person board meeting booked six months out.
Mental well-being is an oft-discussed topic, across all ages and demographics, but in many professions such as law it’s still a badge of honour to over-work and over-commit. Most are familiar with the “go to’s” for promoting mental well-being and reducing stress: exercise, get outside, spend time with family/friends, pursue a hobby. We can search the right key words to collect suggestions, so why aren’t we doing them?
One answer may be that we’re critical of ourselves for consciously not doing the things that boost our mental well-being, so we become paralyzed by guilt and inertia. Self-care is just one more thing for the To Do List, another chore at which we potentially fail. When you find time to fill out your Gratitude Journal, it fails to make you into your best self. And that makes us feel worse, not better. We’re not #doingselfcare right, or at all, and that’s bad.
It can also feel inauthentic. Bath salts and scented candles may feel like commodified, faux self-care to some — the junk food, shallow version of mental well-being. If that’s you, acknowledge that being told to sip herbal tea or forest bathe feels condescending or even infuriating. For some, just the suggestion that we “need” self-care has negative implications.
It may help here to develop curiosity about your patterns. If you notice self-judgment or criticism, ask why that is your default response — explore why something feels challenging, without judgment. Inquire who or what is benefiting from patterns you know aren’t healthy. Observe the coping strategies you use and ask yourself if they could be substituted for something that would have more benefit for your mental well-being — something that feels right for you.
It can also help to validate that life is stressful. We all experience stress, and we’re all affected by it and there is nothing wrong with you for being affected by it. Being honest about what is happening, i.e., “admitting it,” can be the first step. Likewise, cutting down on all the “should” can be helpful to boost mental well-being.
There is nothing wrong with baths or tea if they work for you. But to truly promote our own mental well-being, we need to recognize that it’s not one size fits all. Seek out-of-the box solutions, explore ways of reframing your thinking, abandon socially constructed wellness ideals. Try different activities to de-stress until one feels right. Work on your goals with others if you benefit from accountability and team motivation. Involve and connect with other people. Accept help. Exchange cheerleading
with someone who shares your goals. Focus outwardly on community instead of inwardly if that feels more authentic. Recognize it’s not a quick fix and that patterns change over time.
Commit to mental well-being in small, incremental steps.
Ultimately, this was what worked for me. Just as there is “death by a thousand cuts,” there is mental wellness by a thousand small choices. No grand gestures, retreats, workshops or high-end wellness products — just the cumulative effect of building the habit of choosing to boost mental well-being, without guilt. One calendar appointment at a time.