When I read that a classmate died by suicide, in between feeling sadness for their young family, and regret for not making an effort to reach out, I was feeling envious; they had the courage to finally ease their pain. I live a few degrees below suicidal ideation, caught somewhere between wanting to live and while not necessarily always wanting to die, definitely more often not wanting to live.

If you knew who I was, you may be surprised to read this. I have a wonderful family. I have a well-paying job. I am involved in the profession, the community and with my children’s activities. I am physically active. At first glance, I have a lot of good things going for me. Yet, I have a steady stream of thoughts of not wanting to live.

I have never attempted suicide. I’ve thought about jumping in front of trains since I was in high school. I am a walking encyclopedia of celebrities who have either died by suicide — Robin Williams, Chris Cornell, Kurt Cobain, Twitch — or have attempted it — Billy Joel, Drew Carey. And if a method was shared, I would burn it to memory.

But that’s it. I don’t make any effort to copy any of their methods, or do anything more than just having these passive thoughts of not wanting to live. Sometimes the thoughts can be stronger, especially earlier in my career when I suffered a major setback.

I love my family. I miss my children when I travel for work. Even that does not dull these suicidal ideations. I feel really guilty that I do have these thoughts when my children tell me they love me or hug me.

Logistics are a bigger roadblock than the negative impact my death would have on my family. Doing it at home or in the car would only add to the trauma my family would face. Drug or alcohol abuse would take too long, and could have even more negative consequences before I get the result I want. The biggest risk of all is if I made an attempt to die by suicide and it didn’t work, and I lost the use of my legs. I wouldn’t be able to volunteer with my kids’ hockey team.

In Alcoholics Anonymous or other twelve-step programs, members volunteer to set up and run meetings, or act as sponsors. The idea that by being of service to others, it takes the member out of their own head and puts a focus on others. The equivalent for me would be to volunteer at a crisis hotline. I don’t because I worry that hearing about other people’s suicidal thoughts would give me ideas that I haven’t thought of, and these thoughts would be more than just passive.

Approximately 24.1% of Canadian legal professionals have had suicidal thoughts since beginning their professional practice. Sometimes I think that figure is too low. Our profession has high incidents of mental health issues and substance abuse, which makes me think that there would be much more than one in four who have had suicidal thoughts or ideations. The funny thing is when I go to a legal industry event, CBA Section meetings, firm functions, etc. and I see everyone else engaging in conversations, laughing and enjoying themselves, I think that I’m the only one having suicidal thoughts.

After your initial appointment at BC Cancer after a diagnosis, you complete a survey. If you answer “yes” to the question about suicidal thoughts, someone from BC Cancer calls you. I had to assure the agency that I had those thoughts for a long time and it was not because of my diagnosis. I am honest with anyone who asks; I just don’t advertise that I have these ideations.

It is not as if I’m not doing something about this. I am on medication, I see a counselor and use the Lawyers Assistance Program of BC (lapbc.com) when appropriate. I try to get regular exercise (which studies show is one of the best antidepressants).

A lot of these feelings stem from loneliness. I didn’t grow up, go to law school or article here. I don’t really have a natural base of a social network.

I’m not writing this so you can feel sorry for me. I’m very unlikely to attempt something. I wanted to share something that not a lot of people are comfortable talking about openly, and to reassure the rest of the 24.1% that you’re not the only one who feels that way. And maybe, by writing this, these ideations may eventually fade away.